Uncommentable: 20 Students Dinged in Coffee Ring Sting

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

In what is already being labeled, “Coffee-Gate,” over 20 students were arrested today outside Golding Lounge and Café after investigators uncovered an extensive coffee-stealing ring.

A joint, undercover investigation conducted by Culinary Group Internal Affairs and the NYUPD detailed a highly intricate scheme, where students allegedly would purchase House Blend coffee for $1.50 at the cashier, and then proceed to fill their cup with Starbucks Blend coffee, a $2.25 value.

Originally started by a handful of students, investigators estimate that the ring has grown to nearly 100 students, faculty, and staff.

The complaint alleges that initial planning took place over 16 months, mostly focused on how to hide the more expensive coffee from Golding staff.

“It wasn’t until we noticed that the Starbucks Blend coffee had a strikingly similar color to the House Blend that we realized that this scheme could be completely undetectable,” said one student arrestee, who asked to remain anonymous.

“I think the attention to detail and foresight inherent in this setup is a testament that our students are truly the most intelligent in the country,” said Gee Krupke, NYUPD Detective-in-Charge.

The arrests have already sparked conversation among the NYU Law Board of Trustees, who pledged to enact so-called “Rico” clauses (named after Porto Rico Importing Co, the supplier of Golding’s House Blend coffee) into the student handbook that would apply to law students engaged in these racketeering activities.

Investigators believe the coffee was pilfered as many as 12 times per day during the fall semester alone. In a case of brazen arrogance by the offenders, authorities observed several students stealing coffee despite free coffee offered by a top legal research service only inches away.

“I did not want to spend my hard-earned points on coffee,” said Michael Green ‘18, apparently unaware that the company actually provides points in addition to the free coffee, and not as a price for the coffee.

This afternoon, the Office of Student Affairs announced the launch of an investigation to uncover any possible wrongdoing at Wachtell Lounge in Furman Hall.

At press time, Culinary Group declined to comment, despite catering the press conference itself.

Wachtell Lounge was left a message requesting comment, but (true to its namesake) has not given us a call back.