Uncommentable: Former Forum Foments Free Food Frenzy

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

In a recently announced change, Milback Tween, sponsor of the formerly-named Milback Tween Forum, has decided to target its marketing strategy toward hungry law students in an attempt to secure greater participation and attendance at their events, organizers said Wednesday.

In an effort to more closely align with reality, the New York-based law firm has opted to rebrand the weekly event as the “Milback Tween Lunch.” The event will now feature a free panel of esteemed legal practitioners and scholars as an added bonus to the free food.

Starting this month, all attendees will receive a free lunch consisting of a sandwich, chips, a soft drink, and a cookie. However, those who RSVP in advance will also have the option to enjoy a free panel on a relevant legal issue, which will vary weekly.

Vegan options will be available, but only upon request. “We anticipate that our vegan guests will have no difficulty identifying themselves,” said a spokesperson from Culinary Group, the official caterer of the Milback Tween Lunch.

“Our old model worked well enough when law students were still interested in important legal issues,” said Seth Paulson, Managing Director of Milback Tween. “But nowadays, how can we expect students to spend 90 minutes at an informative panel when those 90 minutes can be spent on their Lawyering briefs? In the grand scheme of things, it’s the pass-fail classes that are most important.”

According to organizers, the first week of the Milback Tween Lunch was an overwhelming success. Over 100 students arrived promptly to receive their sandwiches, with some dozen or so students taking advantage of the free panel. Among the audience was Kate Yearing ’18, who remained for over seven minutes.

“I stayed because they told me I needed to go for PILC,” said Yearing when asked why she lingered for so long. “I remember the panel had something to do with litigation,” said Yearing, reservedly, in between mouthfuls of fresh vegetables and hummus.

“…Or corporate actually. It was hard to hear while I was chewing.” Yearing later stated she was confident that the topic was, “definitely related to law.”

To accommodate those who are unable to attend, Milback Tween will provide a video recording of the lunch spread on the school’s YouTube channel. “Students can watch a live-to-video recording of which sandwiches their classmates chose,” said Paulson. Later updates may allow users to listen to the audio from the free panel in the background.

Paulson claims the new branding is simply a reflection of what the modern law student wants. “Here at Milback Tween, we pride ourselves on evolving with the times and valuing student voices, and this is a prime example of that.”

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