Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.
Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer
Election season is upon us at NYU Law. Over the past few days, students have had a break from hearing about Trump, Kasich, Cruz, Clinton, and Sanders, and instead turned their attention to candidates who are actually qualified for their desired positions – the SBA Executive Board.
With countless emails, reserving prime real estate in the Vanderbilt lobby, and the first-ever election debate (hosted by this fine publication), candidates are trying to set themselves apart.
However, during a focus group convened by Uncommentable, many students expressed other methods of making their choices.
“My decision was easy. The key for me was to vote based on each candidate’s GIFs,” said Sarah Reitling ’18. “DJ Khaled was a no-brainer.”
“Bless up,” she added.
Sarah claims she originally planned on reading each candidate’s email in full, but gave up after scrolling down to see how long it was. “I wish there were briefs or outlines available instead of reading the whole thing,” she lamented.
Other students in the group took a liking to the Leslie Knope GIF.
“Ron Swanson or Aziz would’ve been cool too,” said Rachel Xavier ’17. “But if a candidate can run NYU Law like Knope runs Pawnee, we are in good hands.”
When asked for other factors she considered before voting, Rachel proudly admitted she searched “drink tickets” in her inbox to see which candidates’ names would show up.
“I would’ve paid more attention to buzzwords like ‘philanthropy,’ ‘inclusion,’ and ‘affordability,’ but the paragraphs were just too long,” said Rachel, before doing 60 pages of Con Law reading.
Another student took a more political approach.
“I opened one e-mail and saw a GIF with Obama and Biden, and decided that I don’t think that candidate is right for me,” said Barry Trida ’18.
When asked who he will vote for in the upcoming election, Barry responded, “Not sure, but definitely not Hilary,” despite the topic clearly being about SBA Elections.
When asked if he would attend this past Tuesday night’s debate, Barry said he would, as long as Megyn Kelly doesn’t moderate.
However, the most heated topic of debate among the group was the pronunciation of ‘GIF.’
“If it were pronounced with a soft ‘G’, it would be spelled with a ‘J,'” said Sarah, invoking a variation of expressio unius. “With the choice of letters, the creators of the word ‘GIF’ spoke to this precise issue.”
Barry, the only other 1L in the group, agreed, chiming in, “Even if, arguendo, it is ambiguous, pronouncing it ‘JIF’ is unreasonable. This clearly won’t survive Step 2.”