Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.
Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer
After attempts at Airbnb-esque weekend sublets, sales of old furniture, announcements of free falafel in Golding, endless posts about finding summer apartments (“posting for a friend!”), and even sales of apple sauce, Coases has officially hit rock bottom.
After unexpectedly being satisfied with only one succulent Reese’s, Paul Vine ’17 turned to the popular listserv to get something in return for his extra peanut butter cup.
“Pickup in B2 South. 50 cents OBO. Have Venmo,” read Paul’s email blast to thousands of students, professors, administrators, and alumni, along with the usual, “Can send pics upon request!”
The subject was self-explanatory: “WTS Spare Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.”
“We learned in Property about getting the most productive use,” said the bored 2L. “Why should the candy sit there when there is a market willing to pay for it?”
According to Paul, he received dozens of replies to his nutty post. The Commentator has gained access to the replies, and found that 95% of them were auto-replies from administrators on vacation. The other 5% were bona fide offers, ranging from one cent to five cents.
When asked how often he posts on Coases, Paul estimated about four to five times per week, mostly about unfinished sandwiches and salads from Golding. He has also tried subletting his East Village apartment when he goes home to Philly during long weekends, but without success.
“Who wouldn’t want to stay in a random person’s apartment with two random roommates for three nights in New York City?” said the surprised wannabe rental broker.
Paul says he even attempted to sublet his apartment for one night, after sparks flew with a cute 1L at Bar Review.
“I was on my way to spend the night in Mercer, and figured I might as well try to get someone to take my empty bedroom.”
After weighing the few offers for his chocolate treat and negotiating with potential buyers, Paul had a change of heart, and a rumble in his stomach, and decided to eat the second piece.
“Although there were a few offers and counteroffers, there was nothing more than an agreement to agree,” said Paul, confident he did not breach.
Paul promptly sent another Coases blast retracting his offer reading, “Decided to eat it! Sorry!” The post incited dozens of responses, all of them auto-replies.