Uncommentable Sports: Columbia Wins Deans’ Cup; NYU Faculty Plays Basketball for First Time

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

Regional Basketball Report

The basketball world is riding high today after last night’s record-setting win by the Golden State Warriors and the last NBA game ever played by Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant.

That historic night came only days after two, lesser-known, cross-town rivals met for their annual showdown.

In the Deans’ Cup charity basketball game held last Thursday in Harlem, the Columbia Lions used home court advantage to defeat the NYU Violets/Bobcats/Wildcats 75-71. Despite having a one point lead with less than a minute remaining, the Wild Violet Bobcats faltered in the final seconds.

Thousands of budding lawyers packed the Levien Gym to root on their favorite team, and some had a lot to say.

“We are not surprised at all,” said Jason White ‘17, a 2L at Columbia. “When you go up against a school that has its team named after a color, and the mascot named after the library, you expect to take home the win.”*

The annual event was well-organized, and had the atmosphere of a college basketball game played in a high school gym, but this seemed to confuse some students.

“How can a Division I team not beat a Division III team?” asked Stanley Rodriguez ‘18, a Columbia 1L, unaware that the game was played by full-time law students and had no connection to NCAA athletic conferences.

When asked if he knew in which athletic conference Columbia University plays, Rodriguez replied, “Ivy League… Why else do you think I go to school this far north?”

The Deans’ Cup also included its traditional half time entertainment show where each school is required to send out five players who have never shot a basketball before for a ten minute exhibition.

“Over the years, this naturally became known as the Faculty Game,” said a member of NYU’s Office of Student Affairs.

To the chagrin of the NYU students that traveled Upstate all the way from New York City, the Faculty Game resulted in a 10-2 loss for the Violet Bobbing-Wildcats, with Columbia scoring two, three-point shots in the first 60 seconds.

“We thought the most economically efficient outcome was to let them shoot the three-pointer,” said one NYU torts professor, who then resorted to age-old legal doctrine to explain his thinking.

“The burden to defend the shot was high, but the probability of making the shot, along with the marginal value of a three-pointer, were both low.”

“I guess we could have done a better job putting a ‘hand’ in their face when they shot,” he conceded.

“The judges were biased,” exclaimed one criminal law professor at NYU. “The system is broken.”

“I blame the parents,” added a colleague, disapprovingly.

An hour after the game, the reveling Columbia students were found still waiting in line at the lone bar within 10 blocks of the campus.

“Social life here is less than ideal,” said White, as he patiently waited. “I hear NYU is fun, but it’s a career decision for me. I don’t think I’ll find a job coming out of a school ranked below the T5.”

* The “Bobcat” is named after the Bobst Catalog, which legend says non-law students at New York University use to find books.