Uncommentable: President Trump Appoints Himself Attorney General, Finds Own Executive Order “Most Constitutional” Ever Written

President Attorney General Trump with Senator Jeff Sessions, his nominee for Junior Attorney General. Credit: PBS Newshour

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

In a startling turn of events, President Donald Trump took the unprecedented step of appointing himself acting Attorney General of the United States. During a hastily arranged Rose Garden ceremony in front of throngs of cheering actors supporters and stunned reporters, Mr. Trump swore himself in saying, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me. In fact, he’s very weak on borders, low stamina, low energy. I’ll be a much better attorney general. The best, that’s what all the real Americans are saying.”

Wasting no time at all, President Attorney General Trump, as he now wishes to be called, immediately reversed the ruling of former acting Attorney General Sally Yates. She had refused to enforce President Trump’s executive order barring citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, before she was fired on a special episode of NBC’s The Apprentice: White House Edition. Instead, President Attorney General Trump found his own executive order the “most constitutional” ever written.

“Everyone said we couldn’t do it. That we needed an attorney general. But you know what folks? You know what? We don’t. We do not need them. We do not need them in a house. We do not need with a mouse. We do not need them here or there. We do not need them anywhere!”

After pausing for suspense, the actors resumed their cheers.

Said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “President Attorney General Trump is merely doing exactly what he promised he would do when he ran his record-setting campaign and received more votes for president than anyone in the history of the Galactic Republic since Chancellor Palpatine…”

“… who was very good for America by the way,” interrupted President Attorney General Trump. “Don’t let anyone tell you he wasn’t good for America. He was great for America. Loved by the generals. Protected religious minorities like the Sith, whom he always welcomed,” said Mr. Trump.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway noted, “The liberal media is just so focused on Crooked Hillary’s shocking loss that they can’t even understand why the American people support this nation’s first-ever president attorney general. When you look at it, the alternative facts presented during the President Attorney General’s news conference earlier, it becomes clear that this action is both precedented and constitutional, and certainly one or the other.”

In other news, the Statute of Liberty has announced she is moving back to France following the revocation of her visa.