Uncommentable: President Trump Appoints Himself Attorney General, Finds Own Executive Order “Most Constitutional” Ever Written

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

In a startling turn of events, President Donald Trump took the unprecedented step of appointing himself acting Attorney General of the United States. During a hastily arranged Rose Garden ceremony in front of throngs of cheering actors supporters and stunned reporters, Mr. Trump swore himself in saying, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me. In fact, he’s very weak on borders, low stamina, low energy. I’ll be a much better attorney general. The best, that’s what all the real Americans are saying.”

Wasting no time at all, President Attorney General Trump, as he now wishes to be called, immediately reversed the ruling of former acting Attorney General Sally Yates. She had refused to enforce President Trump’s executive order barring citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, before she was fired on a special episode of NBC’s The Apprentice: White House Edition. Instead, President Attorney General Trump found his own executive order the “most constitutional” ever written.

“Everyone said we couldn’t do it. That we needed an attorney general. But you know what folks? You know what? We don’t. We do not need them. We do not need them in a house. We do not need with a mouse. We do not need them here or there. We do not need them anywhere!”

After pausing for suspense, the actors resumed their cheers.

Said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “President Attorney General Trump is merely doing exactly what he promised he would do when he ran his record-setting campaign and received more votes for president than anyone in the history of the Galactic Republic since Chancellor Palpatine…”

“… who was very good for America by the way,” interrupted President Attorney General Trump. “Don’t let anyone tell you he wasn’t good for America. He was great for America. Loved by the generals. Protected religious minorities like the Sith, whom he always welcomed,” said Mr. Trump.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway noted, “The liberal media is just so focused on Crooked Hillary’s shocking loss that they can’t even understand why the American people support this nation’s first-ever president attorney general. When you look at it, the alternative facts presented during the President Attorney General’s news conference earlier, it becomes clear that this action is both precedented and constitutional, and certainly one or the other.”

In other news, the Statute of Liberty has announced she is moving back to France following the revocation of her visa.

Election 2016: Sanders Brings Record Crowds to Washington Square Park

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

Riding the momentum of a string of primary and caucus victories in his race for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) addressed thousands of cheering supporters in New York City’s Washington Square Park on Wednesday night.

New York royalty Spike Lee, Tim Robbins, and Rosario Dawson warmed up the throngs of attendees on a crisp, spring night when temperatures dipped into the forties. Sanders’ campaign estimated that the event drew more than 27,000 supporters to the Greenwich Village park, besting then-candidate Barack Obama’s 2008 record of 24,000. The crowd was notably young and diverse, perhaps reflecting the character of New York University, which surrounds Washington Square Park on parts of all sides.

Bernie Sanders Rally - Mercer Street
The line to enter Washington Square Park stretched several blocks down West Third Street to Mercer Street.

While the crowd may have been more diverse than those that typically attend a Sanders rally, the message was vintage Bernie, with the candidate railing against student loan debt, lack of affordable housing, and the impact of big money on the financing of elections.

“The [American people] are looking at the status quo and saying it’s not working,” Sanders said. “It’s just not working for ordinary Americans.”

Sanders is hoping to close the gap with Democratic frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ahead of Tuesday’s New York presidential primary. According to a Sienna College survey released Wednesday, Clinton leads Sanders by 10 points. The candidates will square off in a CNN-sponsored debate tonight in Brooklyn.

Election 2016: Bernie Sanders to Hold Rally in Washington Square Park

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

According to an official announcement from Bernie 2016, Sen. Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign, the Democratic senator from Vermont will hold a rally in Washington Square Park’s main plaza at 7 p.m. on Wednesday, April 13.

New York University Executive Vice President for Health Robert Berne sent an email to the NYU community saying that “thousands” of members of the public may descend on the popular downtown park, which borders large portions of the NYU campus, including the Law School. According to Berne, who cites the New York City Police Department (NYPD) in his email, the park will be shut down on Tuesday at midnight in preparation for the Sanders rally on Wednesday. While nearby streets are expected to be closed to vehicles, pedestrian traffic should be unaffected, albeit slowed by crowds.

Sanders’ rally comes hot on the heels of his streak of winning seven of the last eight Democratic contests, including this past weekend’s in Wyoming. 247 delegates will be allocated proportionately between Sanders and former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in next week’s New York Democratic presidential primary. Both candidates have strong connections to the state of New York. Sanders was born in Brooklyn and Clinton represented New York in the United States Senate for eight years from 2001 to 2009.

As of Monday night, a Facebook event sponsored by “New Yorkers for Bernie Sanders 2016” listed over sixteen thousand people as planning to attend Wednesday’s rally.

According to the  New York Times delegate tracker, which relies on figures tabulated the Associated Press, Clinton leads Sanders in the delegate count 1,305 to 1,086. Additionally, Clinton leads the race for superdelegates 469 to 31.

Who is Merrick Garland? #SCOTUS

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

Today, President Barack Obama nominated fellow Chicagoan Merrick Garland, the chief judge for the Washington, D.C. appeals court (appointed by President Bill Clinton), for the post of associate justice of the Supreme Court. If confirmed by the United States Senate to fill the vacancy left by the passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, Mr. Garland would become the 113th justice to serve on the nation’s highest court.

Mr. Garland is a graduate of both Harvard College and Harvard Law School, and once clerked for Justice William Brennan. While not a household name to most Americans, Mr. Garland is described by the New York Times as a, “well-known moderate,” with deep experience as a legal practitioner in both the public and private sectors. He rose to prominence during the mid-1990s when he supervised the Justice Department’s prosecution of the perpetrators of the Oklahoma City Bombing. He also had a lead role in the investigation of the Unabomber.

According to the Washington Post, seven sitting Republican senators voted to confirm Mr. Garland to his current post on the D.C. Court of Appeals. They include: Dan Coats (Ind.), Thad Cochran (Miss.), Susan Collins (Maine), Orrin Hatch (Utah), James M. Inhofe (Okla.), John McCain (Ariz.), and Pat Roberts (Kan.).

However, speaking from the Senate floor shortly after Mr. Obama’s speech, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to block any nominee from Mr. Obama, including Mr. Garland, on the basis of “principle, not a person.”

Invoking what he termed, the “Biden Rule,” Mr. McConnell said the costs to confirm any nominee during an election year would be “too great” to the institution [of the U.S. Senate] and to the American people. The so-called Biden Rule is named after then-Senate Judiciary Chairman (and now U.S. Vice President) Joseph Biden, who argued for delaying Supreme Court nominees from then-President George H.W. Bush in 1992, an election year.

Mr. Biden, for his part, has said that his 1992 Senate speech was mischaracterized, and that he later announced he would support a nominee from the president, so long as the president consulted with the Senate and chose a moderate.

To help interested parties follow the nomination process, the White House has released a new Twitter handle: @SCOTUSnom. It had more than 21,000 followers within an hour of Mr. Obama’s announcement.