Uncommentable: President Trump Appoints Himself Attorney General, Finds Own Executive Order “Most Constitutional” Ever Written

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

In a startling turn of events, President Donald Trump took the unprecedented step of appointing himself acting Attorney General of the United States. During a hastily arranged Rose Garden ceremony in front of throngs of cheering actors supporters and stunned reporters, Mr. Trump swore himself in saying, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me. In fact, he’s very weak on borders, low stamina, low energy. I’ll be a much better attorney general. The best, that’s what all the real Americans are saying.”

Wasting no time at all, President Attorney General Trump, as he now wishes to be called, immediately reversed the ruling of former acting Attorney General Sally Yates. She had refused to enforce President Trump’s executive order barring citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, before she was fired on a special episode of NBC’s The Apprentice: White House Edition. Instead, President Attorney General Trump found his own executive order the “most constitutional” ever written.

“Everyone said we couldn’t do it. That we needed an attorney general. But you know what folks? You know what? We don’t. We do not need them. We do not need them in a house. We do not need with a mouse. We do not need them here or there. We do not need them anywhere!”

After pausing for suspense, the actors resumed their cheers.

Said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “President Attorney General Trump is merely doing exactly what he promised he would do when he ran his record-setting campaign and received more votes for president than anyone in the history of the Galactic Republic since Chancellor Palpatine…”

“… who was very good for America by the way,” interrupted President Attorney General Trump. “Don’t let anyone tell you he wasn’t good for America. He was great for America. Loved by the generals. Protected religious minorities like the Sith, whom he always welcomed,” said Mr. Trump.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway noted, “The liberal media is just so focused on Crooked Hillary’s shocking loss that they can’t even understand why the American people support this nation’s first-ever president attorney general. When you look at it, the alternative facts presented during the President Attorney General’s news conference earlier, it becomes clear that this action is both precedented and constitutional, and certainly one or the other.”

In other news, the Statute of Liberty has announced she is moving back to France following the revocation of her visa.

Uncommentable: Campus Safe Spaces Suffer Severe Overcrowding Post Trump Inauguration

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

Following the inauguration of the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, campus officials have described a “mad rush” on safe spaces across New York University. While safe spaces are nothing new at the Law School, the fact that they are now perennially over capacity has students demanding change.

“$60,000 in tuition and I can’t even get a seat at a table,” said one disgruntled second-year law student. “Seriously, what’s the point of going to the sixth-best, top-three law school in America if, when bad things happen, there’s no free food and coffee?”

Calling an emergency meeting of the Student Bar Association, SBA President Evan Shepherd vowed swift action to remedy the quickly-deteriorating situation. “YOU get a safe space! And YOU get a safe space! And YOU get a safe space! SAFE SPACES FOR EVERYONE!” vowed Mr. Shepherd to thunderous applause from the fifteen students assembled, some of whom were simply early for their next class.

In an email to the campus community, New York University President Andrew Hamilton promised that all new construction would include “state-of-the-art” safe spaces replete with free food, including locally-sourced, gluten-free, organic, vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian, Kosher, and Halal options.

“Schools like Harvard and Yale may sit higher than us in things like ‘rankings’ and ‘resources,’ but when it comes to safe spaces, NYU is the world leader,” said President Hamilton triumphantly.

When reached for comment at the White House, NYU Law alumnus and presidential Senior Advisor Jared Kushner said, “Come on… Do you know how tough it is to get him to sign on the dotted line? The man uses ‘bigly’ in sentences ON PURPOSE. I can’t be held responsible for what happens next. How’d you get this number anyway?”

While it is unclear how much these new safe spaces will cost, New York University recently announced that tuition will increase to $250,000 per semester starting this fall.

 

Uncommentable: 20 Students Dinged in Coffee Ring Sting

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

In what is already being labeled, “Coffee-Gate,” over 20 students were arrested today outside Golding Lounge and Café after investigators uncovered an extensive coffee-stealing ring.

A joint, undercover investigation conducted by Culinary Group Internal Affairs and the NYUPD detailed a highly intricate scheme, where students allegedly would purchase House Blend coffee for $1.50 at the cashier, and then proceed to fill their cup with Starbucks Blend coffee, a $2.25 value.

Originally started by a handful of students, investigators estimate that the ring has grown to nearly 100 students, faculty, and staff.

The complaint alleges that initial planning took place over 16 months, mostly focused on how to hide the more expensive coffee from Golding staff.

“It wasn’t until we noticed that the Starbucks Blend coffee had a strikingly similar color to the House Blend that we realized that this scheme could be completely undetectable,” said one student arrestee, who asked to remain anonymous.

“I think the attention to detail and foresight inherent in this setup is a testament that our students are truly the most intelligent in the country,” said Gee Krupke, NYUPD Detective-in-Charge.

The arrests have already sparked conversation among the NYU Law Board of Trustees, who pledged to enact so-called “Rico” clauses (named after Porto Rico Importing Co, the supplier of Golding’s House Blend coffee) into the student handbook that would apply to law students engaged in these racketeering activities.

Investigators believe the coffee was pilfered as many as 12 times per day during the fall semester alone. In a case of brazen arrogance by the offenders, authorities observed several students stealing coffee despite free coffee offered by a top legal research service only inches away.

“I did not want to spend my hard-earned points on coffee,” said Michael Green ‘18, apparently unaware that the company actually provides points in addition to the free coffee, and not as a price for the coffee.

This afternoon, the Office of Student Affairs announced the launch of an investigation to uncover any possible wrongdoing at Wachtell Lounge in Furman Hall.

At press time, Culinary Group declined to comment, despite catering the press conference itself.

Wachtell Lounge was left a message requesting comment, but (true to its namesake) has not given us a call back.