Uncommentable: President Trump Appoints Himself Attorney General, Finds Own Executive Order “Most Constitutional” Ever Written

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

In a startling turn of events, President Donald Trump took the unprecedented step of appointing himself acting Attorney General of the United States. During a hastily arranged Rose Garden ceremony in front of throngs of cheering actors supporters and stunned reporters, Mr. Trump swore himself in saying, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me. In fact, he’s very weak on borders, low stamina, low energy. I’ll be a much better attorney general. The best, that’s what all the real Americans are saying.”

Wasting no time at all, President Attorney General Trump, as he now wishes to be called, immediately reversed the ruling of former acting Attorney General Sally Yates. She had refused to enforce President Trump’s executive order barring citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, before she was fired on a special episode of NBC’s The Apprentice: White House Edition. Instead, President Attorney General Trump found his own executive order the “most constitutional” ever written.

“Everyone said we couldn’t do it. That we needed an attorney general. But you know what folks? You know what? We don’t. We do not need them. We do not need them in a house. We do not need with a mouse. We do not need them here or there. We do not need them anywhere!”

After pausing for suspense, the actors resumed their cheers.

Said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “President Attorney General Trump is merely doing exactly what he promised he would do when he ran his record-setting campaign and received more votes for president than anyone in the history of the Galactic Republic since Chancellor Palpatine…”

“… who was very good for America by the way,” interrupted President Attorney General Trump. “Don’t let anyone tell you he wasn’t good for America. He was great for America. Loved by the generals. Protected religious minorities like the Sith, whom he always welcomed,” said Mr. Trump.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway noted, “The liberal media is just so focused on Crooked Hillary’s shocking loss that they can’t even understand why the American people support this nation’s first-ever president attorney general. When you look at it, the alternative facts presented during the President Attorney General’s news conference earlier, it becomes clear that this action is both precedented and constitutional, and certainly one or the other.”

In other news, the Statute of Liberty has announced she is moving back to France following the revocation of her visa.

Uncommentable: Campus Safe Spaces Suffer Severe Overcrowding Post Trump Inauguration

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All articles and quotes published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Naeem Crawford-Muhammad, Editor-in-Chief

Following the inauguration of the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, campus officials have described a “mad rush” on safe spaces across New York University. While safe spaces are nothing new at the Law School, the fact that they are now perennially over capacity has students demanding change.

“$60,000 in tuition and I can’t even get a seat at a table,” said one disgruntled second-year law student. “Seriously, what’s the point of going to the sixth-best, top-three law school in America if, when bad things happen, there’s no free food and coffee?”

Calling an emergency meeting of the Student Bar Association, SBA President Evan Shepherd vowed swift action to remedy the quickly-deteriorating situation. “YOU get a safe space! And YOU get a safe space! And YOU get a safe space! SAFE SPACES FOR EVERYONE!” vowed Mr. Shepherd to thunderous applause from the fifteen students assembled, some of whom were simply early for their next class.

In an email to the campus community, New York University President Andrew Hamilton promised that all new construction would include “state-of-the-art” safe spaces replete with free food, including locally-sourced, gluten-free, organic, vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian, Kosher, and Halal options.

“Schools like Harvard and Yale may sit higher than us in things like ‘rankings’ and ‘resources,’ but when it comes to safe spaces, NYU is the world leader,” said President Hamilton triumphantly.

When reached for comment at the White House, NYU Law alumnus and presidential Senior Advisor Jared Kushner said, “Come on… Do you know how tough it is to get him to sign on the dotted line? The man uses ‘bigly’ in sentences ON PURPOSE. I can’t be held responsible for what happens next. How’d you get this number anyway?”

While it is unclear how much these new safe spaces will cost, New York University recently announced that tuition will increase to $250,000 per semester starting this fall.

 

Uncommentable: Shame of Thrones: SBA President Under Fire After TV Series Spoiler (possible spoilers inside)

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

By Albert Tawil, Staff Writer, and Guest Contributors Annie Zhou and Chris Ostojic

This month’s return of the popular HBO drama Game of Thrones has captivated millions of viewers across the country. However, with the show’s return so close to final exams, many responsible law students have pushed off the urge to watch until May 18.

Those law students were irrationally outraged when they opened a routine Student Bar Association (SBA) email regarding Exam4 compliance, which contained a spoiler of a major development in the season’s second episode.

“Finals are here, [redacted Game of Thrones reference], and please take a moment to download the latest Exam4 software and submit a practice test,” read the beginning of the scandalous email sent by SBA President Evan Shepherd.

“Honestly, if you are not Exam4 compliant at this point, you deserve it,” said an exasperated Shepherd, defending himself against a barrage of angry emails. “Anybody who is compliant would have just deleted the email.”

I don’t get what the big deal is. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die…

“This is an example of an elected official who is completely disconnected with the student body,” said former SBA Treasurer Ally Serre, a one-time campaign rival of Shepherd. Serre says she has started an online campaign with the hashtag #NYULawRemembers “to remind law students that while this betrayal has left them feeling empty on the inside, the student body will soon rise again, harder and stronger.”

“I don’t get what the big deal is. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, it’s a simple two-prong analysis. Evan just pointed it out,” said one third-year law student who watches the show alone every Sunday.

To calm student outrage, the SBA Vice President released an official statement. “I, Samantha Coxe, the First of Her Name, Queen of Vanderbilt, Queen of the DL and the Three Sheets and the Amity Hall, Lord of the Lower East Side, Protector of the Bar Review, Khaleesi of the Great Grassless Square, called Samantha Stormborn, the Most-Turnt, Mother of Bobcats, hereby issue a proclamation to make recompense to those students so grievously injured by Monday’s Game of Thrones spoiler. An insult to your honor was not our intent, but it may have been a rather unfortunate consequence.”

“Bar Review tonight. 10 p.m. Off the Wagon. Be there. Last one.” the statement added, followed by multiple GIF’s of Tyrion Lannister filling his wine glass.

Tyrion Lannister of Game of Thrones raises a glass of wine.
Credit: Giphy.com

Several student groups also released statements.

“We stand in solidarity with those students who suffered from SBA’s spoiler,” said an email from the Westerosi Law Students Association (WLSA). “We are petitioning Academic Services to allow victims to defer exams for however long it takes to catch up to the most recent episode.”

Academic Services has confirmed that it will process all exam postponement requests related to Game of Thrones in its usual prompt time frame of six months.

Since the spoiler, Shepherd has met with student leaders from across the Westerosi spectrum to put forth ideas for the SBA to regain the trust of the student body. Proposals include sponsoring a Milback Tween Lunch of Assorted Sandwiches (with a free panel discussion on the unlawful detention of Cersei Lannister), a Game of Thrones-inspired 1L Reading Group called, “Using Statutory Canons to Interpret the Word ‘Hodor,'” a Wildlings Defense Clinic, and an Alternative Spring Break trip to Dorne.

Vote for your favorite option below.

Uncommentable: Law Revue Inspires Student; “Effin” Morrison Finds Fame, Frenemies

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

After watching this year’s NYU Law Revue parody video, Jonathan Berg ‘18 was confused – he did not recognize the song. After some research and reading the Above The Law article, he learned that it was a spoof of a musical called Hamilton.

I wonder if Hamilton paid them to make it.

“I’ve been hearing students talk about how excited they are about Hamilton. I figured they were talking about NYU’s new president,” said Berg, referring to New York University President Andy Hamilton.

Berg decided to go see the real thing on Broadway, crediting NYU Law Revue as his inspiration.

“There are probably countless people like me who will go see the play now because of NYU’s video. I wonder if Hamilton paid them to make it,” mused Berg. He was surprised to learn that tickets are sold out until October 2023.

The video also inspired Berg to try and join Law Revue.

“I’m gonna try extra hard during the Writing Competition,” said the confused 1L, noting that his grades may not cut it.  He said that he now finally understands why being on Law Revue is so prestigious.

Typical Canadian bluster.

Dean Trevor “Effin” Morrison, who has already announced a nationwide speaking tour for this summer, has catapulted to D-list fame after the video was featured on legal affairs blog Above The Law.

Eff-Mo is acting as if he’s next in line if Garland doesn’t work out,” said one political commentator. “Typical Canadian bluster.”

Even the Supreme Court itself issued a response to the viral phenomenon.

“Was that supposed to be me?” asked Justice Ginsburg in an official statement.

Shaking his head methodically, Justice Alito was seen mouthing the words, “Not true,” in response to Ginsburg’s inquiry.

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While warmly received by some, sources said the video sparked jealousy among the upper levels of NYU Law’s leadership.

“I thought the video was OK. I think it would have been funnier if it was about a diverse guy who replaced a yoga teacher and made the Law School great again,” said one NYU Law dean, who asked to remain anonymous.

“If any of my colleagues have a problem with the video, I would be more than happy to discuss it with them,” said Morrison, “… in New Jersey.”

“Everything’s legal in New Jersey,” he added.

Trevor “Effin” Morrison by NYU Law Revue

Uncommentable: River Township Defeats Brennan Township in New Jersey Rec Basketball Semi-Finals

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

BRENNAN, NJ – In the semi-final round of the New Jersey Under-20 Recreational Basketball League Tournament, Brennan Township Community Center was decisively defeated by border-town rival River Township.

William Stewart, the star shooting guard for Brennan, led the team with 17 points, but this proved insufficient to overcome a whopping 35 turnovers by Stewart’s squad.

“Neither team had any jerseys, so we kept passing the ball to the wrong people,” said the disappointed guard.

River Township was led by point guard Michael Robbins, who recorded 20 points, 12 assists, and a career-high 15 steals.  “We decided to not wear our jerseys to the game. Our strategy was to yell for the ball and trick Brennan players into passing to us,” said Robbins. “They fell for it every time.”

The point guard was cheered on by his mother, Millie, who considers herself a “diehard” fan of her son’s team. “I had an opportunity to help Brennan raise money for jerseys,” said Ms. Robbins, “but I would never do that for a rival of River Township.”

Late in the fourth quarter, Brennan showed some life, cutting the deficit to 5 points. The comeback came to a screeching halt when Stewart “fouled out” of the game after committing five personal fouls.

A. J. Jones, Brennan’s head coach, thought the referees were too quick to blow their whistles. “Any time Stewart came within a few feet on defense, River players would throw their hands up and complain to the ref,” said Jones, noting Michael Robbins was the main culprit.

River supporters had a different take. “It’s safe to say that Stewart was harassing them all game,” said Millie Robbins.

Robbins admitted that two of the fouls did not involve any physical contact, but added that, “they were reasonably likely to cause harm.”

Additionally, Robbins said Stewart’s aggressive play was not only dangerous on the court, but also set a bad example for the children watching the game. “I don’t think Stewart realizes the secondary effects of his style of play,” said Robbins.

Adam B. Murphy contributed reporting.

Uncommentable Sports: Columbia Wins Deans’ Cup; NYU Faculty Plays Basketball for First Time

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

Regional Basketball Report

The basketball world is riding high today after last night’s record-setting win by the Golden State Warriors and the last NBA game ever played by Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant.

That historic night came only days after two, lesser-known, cross-town rivals met for their annual showdown.

In the Deans’ Cup charity basketball game held last Thursday in Harlem, the Columbia Lions used home court advantage to defeat the NYU Violets/Bobcats/Wildcats 75-71. Despite having a one point lead with less than a minute remaining, the Wild Violet Bobcats faltered in the final seconds.

Thousands of budding lawyers packed the Levien Gym to root on their favorite team, and some had a lot to say.

“We are not surprised at all,” said Jason White ‘17, a 2L at Columbia. “When you go up against a school that has its team named after a color, and the mascot named after the library, you expect to take home the win.”*

The annual event was well-organized, and had the atmosphere of a college basketball game played in a high school gym, but this seemed to confuse some students.

“How can a Division I team not beat a Division III team?” asked Stanley Rodriguez ‘18, a Columbia 1L, unaware that the game was played by full-time law students and had no connection to NCAA athletic conferences.

When asked if he knew in which athletic conference Columbia University plays, Rodriguez replied, “Ivy League… Why else do you think I go to school this far north?”

The Deans’ Cup also included its traditional half time entertainment show where each school is required to send out five players who have never shot a basketball before for a ten minute exhibition.

“Over the years, this naturally became known as the Faculty Game,” said a member of NYU’s Office of Student Affairs.

To the chagrin of the NYU students that traveled Upstate all the way from New York City, the Faculty Game resulted in a 10-2 loss for the Violet Bobbing-Wildcats, with Columbia scoring two, three-point shots in the first 60 seconds.

“We thought the most economically efficient outcome was to let them shoot the three-pointer,” said one NYU torts professor, who then resorted to age-old legal doctrine to explain his thinking.

“The burden to defend the shot was high, but the probability of making the shot, along with the marginal value of a three-pointer, were both low.”

“I guess we could have done a better job putting a ‘hand’ in their face when they shot,” he conceded.

“The judges were biased,” exclaimed one criminal law professor at NYU. “The system is broken.”

“I blame the parents,” added a colleague, disapprovingly.

An hour after the game, the reveling Columbia students were found still waiting in line at the lone bar within 10 blocks of the campus.

“Social life here is less than ideal,” said White, as he patiently waited. “I hear NYU is fun, but it’s a career decision for me. I don’t think I’ll find a job coming out of a school ranked below the T5.”

* The “Bobcat” is named after the Bobst Catalog, which legend says non-law students at New York University use to find books.

Uncommentable: Student Eats One Reese’s, Sells Other on Coases

Editor’s note: Uncommentable is The Commentator’s satirical news imprint. All stories published under the Uncommentable banner are false and intended for entertainment purposes only.

Written by Albert Tawil, Staff Writer

After attempts at Airbnb-esque weekend sublets, sales of old furniture, announcements of free falafel in Golding, endless posts about finding summer apartments (“posting for a friend!”), and even sales of apple sauce, Coases has officially hit rock bottom.

After unexpectedly being satisfied with only one succulent Reese’s, Paul Vine ’17 turned to the popular listserv to get something in return for his extra peanut butter cup.

“Pickup in B2 South. 50 cents OBO. Have Venmo,” read Paul’s email blast to thousands of students, professors, administrators, and alumni, along with the usual, “Can send pics upon request!”

The subject was self-explanatory: “WTS Spare Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.”

“We learned in Property about getting the most productive use,” said the bored 2L. “Why should the candy sit there when there is a market willing to pay for it?”

According to Paul, he received dozens of replies to his nutty post. The Commentator has gained access to the replies, and found that 95% of them were auto-replies from administrators on vacation. The other 5% were bona fide offers, ranging from one cent to five cents.

When asked how often he posts on Coases, Paul estimated about four to five times per week, mostly about unfinished sandwiches and salads from Golding. He has also tried subletting his East Village apartment when he goes home to Philly during long weekends, but without success.

“Who wouldn’t want to stay in a random person’s apartment with two random roommates for three nights in New York City?” said the surprised wannabe rental broker.

Paul says he even attempted to sublet his apartment for one night, after sparks flew with a cute 1L at Bar Review.

“I was on my way to spend the night in Mercer, and figured I might as well try to get someone to take my empty bedroom.”

After weighing the few offers for his chocolate treat and negotiating with potential buyers, Paul had a change of heart, and a rumble in his stomach, and decided to eat the second piece.

“Although there were a few offers and counteroffers, there was nothing more than an agreement to agree,” said Paul, confident he did not breach.

Paul promptly sent another Coases blast retracting his offer reading, “Decided to eat it! Sorry!” The post incited dozens of responses, all of them auto-replies.